Sunday, December 14, 2008

Happy Freaking Holidays.....

So yesterday was my only day off in 2 weeks. And I had to get up at the god awful hour of 6:45am. Why? Why would I do that? A better question is, Why would anyone, knowing how nasty I am, make me get up that early? Because my Brother In Law gradumatated from college yesterday. And college is 2 hours away. And the ceremony began at 10am. Ouchtown.

So I poured myself out of my nice, cozy, warm bed and into the shower. I proceeded to get dressed, then have a fit about my outfit (Cause I am fat-ish. Remember?) and put on something else. Get all ready. Hair fixed, clean underwear, the whole nine yards. Then sit around and wait on my husband. Cause apparently he is a girl and takes longer to get ready.... He comes down, and I gesture to my outfit and ask him "Well?" His romantic, newlywed answer? "Yeah, that will do." I told him to "Try again" So he tells me "Um, yeah, you look pwetty". This would be why I do not get dressed up often.

We make it to the campus (somehow ahead of my in-laws, who left before us...but that is a whole different bitch fest....) and find our nose-bleed seats. Chris was seated with the other graduates, and they called his name, so I guess he really did graduate.

We did some Christmas shopping. Why did we shop on a Saturday in a large town two-weeks before Christmas? Because we are morons. I hate the mall in December. People just get stupid, and rude (I am usually one of the rude people, but only after a group of 7 old ladies feel the need to stop in the middle of the aisle to catch up. MOVE!!!)

Anyway, my shopping is about 1/2 done, our Christmas tree (If you could call it that. Hubby went by himself as I was at work, and brought home a real Peanuts tree.) is up and decorated. Minus the tree topper, cause it will not fit. Not surprised. I am getting ready to go wrap gifts, with the help of my German Shepard puppy, I'm sure. She really tries to be involved in everything. She is hanging out with Daddy right now, or she would be helping me type right now. Very Helpful....

My neighbor has decided I am pregnant because I have been so nasty this past week. I informed her "No, I am just a Bitch". Sad but true. There was a lot of eye-rolling and tounge biting yesterday, but I did keep my cool and not kill anyone. That is good, right? I usually love Christmas, love buying gifts, and decorating, and, in general, giving. But this year? I am not feeling it. I don't know if I was so streesed before the wedding that I don't feel like doing anything or what. But I am a major Scrooge this year. Bah Humbug!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Wow Internets. I have been really sucking at life lately, and "too busy" to pay any attention to you. I never update you, or tell you your pretty, or take you out to dinner. My bad.

So anyway, with the holidays being in full swing, among other things I will mention shortly, my time has been swallowed up by unfun things, such as working and more working, and fun things, such as celebrating and baby making.

Thanksgiving and the surrounding days were uneventful. I ate too much, helped move my fiesty Grandma, and had several "food coma" instances. It was bliss, for the most part. My family gathered around to watch Jay and I's wedding DVD (We blew out the Unity Candle and the 30 seconds after we did it could probably win us $10,000 on America's Funniest Videos) and we mainly spent time with our families.

I was stupid enough to venture out on Black Friday, which I have no idea why. I am a person who very much appreciated PERSONAL SPACE. I like, nay, I love my personal space. I NEED it. People on Black Friday, aside from being completely crazed because they can buy a pair of slippers for two! whole! dollars! DO NOT respect personal space. And of course at every store I would have a "skirmish" or two with some idiot in public.

My point: Our first stop was, of course, WalMart. It was a WalMart in a large city, so it was packed. I am driving my mothers SUV. Parking spaces are only open in Scotland. I kindly drive to the front doors and tell my passengers to "Tuck and Roll! Bail Out! Go! Go! Go!" And I will meet them inside when I park this land yacht of an SUV (It is an Escalade. You should probably have a CDL to drive it.) I park in Scotland, grab my purse, and begin the long trek to the store. As I near the entrance, I see a prime parking spot. Front row! And there is a single buggy sitting in the middle of it. Now, as impossible as it may seem, I? Am not completely heartless. I grab the buggy, and do my good deed of the day, I start to wheel it to the buggy return. So now some little old lady can have a close parking spot....or some dumb bitch who slept in will get a prime spot. Whatev. As I am wheeling the buggy, this woman approaches me. My "Danger! Danger!" warning bell signals "Idiot on the loose!" She comes up to me and shoves her cart at me. I kindly say to her "Um, can I HELP you?" And she says, in her flannel pajama pants, slippers and greasy hair, with a cigarette hanging out the side of her mouth, "Yeah, take this one. Don't you work here or something?" I turn and walk away as she yells things at my back. I am wearing jeans, and a red hoodie. And CARRYING A PURSE. Take your own cart back you moron.

Other than that, it has been a pretty laid back kind of month. We are getting our tree tomorrow. My brother-in-law "Brother Chris" allegedly graduates from college on Saturday. My fabulous neighbor has gotten engaged and ask me to be her matron of honor. And I? Think the reason is because she saw how controlling I was during the planning of my wedding and decided to just give me the title to go along with it! We are half-assed timing our "baby-making" and figure whatever happens, happens. Perhaps we will be more anal about getting knocked up in the new year. My good friend from college, who is a fab blogger, has her baby shower coming up in January, and I am almost more excited about that than Christmas. Almost. (Sorry Jen!!!)

And now, I must go. The cats are yelling at each other, and my sweet 8 month old German Shepard puppy is probably eating something she shouldn't. My washer and dryer are buzzing, and I must get ready for work. When did we grow up? How did this happen?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Psychic or Doctor? I choose.....PSYCHIC!!

I went to the doctor today (for a second opinion of course. I am putting most, if not all of my stock into the psychic) for a routine check-up and the all clear on baby-making.

She switched my meds (Now on Zoloft instead of Wellbutrin, since it is much better to be taking if I should become pregnant....Yes, am crazy, but am medicated for it. ) and kept me on the metformin and also added prenatal vitamins. (She informed me she wanted to start me on them now, as is normal when women are trying to concieve....I zoned out after that cause I could think of was how awesome my hair and nails are going to look!!!)

Anyway, we did blood work (and she insisted she do a pregnancy test.... Am concerned doctor wants to dash my hopes early on) and talked about what to do and not to do when trying to get pregnant. Losing weight was not a shocker, but she also informed me that if I was doing any recreational drugs, I should stop. Really?? So that line of coke in your bathroom was a bad choice if I want to get knocked up? I am incredibly naive* but must wonder how many crackheads go to the doctor and ask how best to get pregnant. Perhaps I am the minority here.

So now I have started all my new meds, been taken off my wonderful painkillers for my back (sob) and have been given the green light for baby-making. She also told me I could buy the ovulation kits, to see when the best time to-ahem "baby-make" would be. But then informed me that being newlyweds and all "we may not want to make intercourse so clinical, so soon". Thank you for that. I will leave my turkey baster in the kitchen. I will have my results from blood work soon, hopefully showing everything is normal. Until then, we should "keep at it" and if we are not pregnant this time next year, we will look into why. Am I wrong to not want to wait that long to see if there is going to be a problem? Thank god the psychic said March, or I would have been really mad.

And so for now, we are going to enjoy married life. Like tonight we are going grocery shopping, then I am coming home to make bread. When did I get so old and sucky??

* So totally naive in fact, that I was attempting to be cool, and may have used the term "dime bag" in a sentence. My husband had to explain to me that not only do they not sell or use dime bags anymore, but it makes me look even more naive- if that is at all possible.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Insane....or Intiutive??

As you know, we are trying to concieve. It has not been a long road so far, nor a bumpy one. I am more worried about how difficult it is going to be. I want to know how to deal with my condition (PCOS), what precautions to take, and how to be proactive (What? No alcohol?!?) With these thoughts and issues in mind, I did what any normal, intelligent woman would do.

"You made an appointment with your doctor to discuss these questions, and see what the best route is?" you ask.

Silly human. Of course I would not do something as NORMAL and SMART as that.

I? Went to a psychic. Who else to better answer your questions of the future, than a guy that can SEE THE FUTURE?!?!?!? (You can laugh. My husband did, then called me a pagan...)

But yes, I went to see a psychic. And it He touched on a lot of subjects that he really should not have known about. He pulled names out of thin air that had relavence and meaning. He knew my husbands name, and the age of Jay's niece and newphew. He ask who had a knee problem (my mom) and if I worked for my family (I do). He was right on about a lot of things, but I had already made the decision to see what he said, but it was all in fun.

We got the the "future" part of the session (Is that what it would be? A session? I gave a tattooed guy $20 to sit in Jessica's kitchen...) He explained that I would be pregnant by March, and we would have more than one. He explained that my first child would be a daughter. He also told me I would suffer a loss. As in loss of money, or friendship, but possibly of pregnancy.

As I said, it was cool. He knew a lot, or was really good at duping me. At one point he said "I see you living in a house your whole childhood, then leaving that house. But now, you are back at that house again." My husband and I bought the house I grew up in off my parents when they built a new house. Is that amazing? Or just a lucky break??

The one thing that the psychic did not tell me was that I was going to lock myself INSIDE Jessica's bathroom (No it really happened, and there were moments of panic...) I had to call her FROM THE BATHROOM, during the party, to have her assist. (Her house is older, and has some wicked doorknobs. Am not an idiot.) So I just wish, for the sake of my pride, he could have shared that little nugget of the future.

I think today, I will call the doctor to make that appointment. No pressure, right? I mean the psychic TOLD ME I was going to get pregnant in the next 6 months. I am SURE he does not just think that is the average time, and is leading me on.... Yeah, I am calling the doctor. As a back-up plan, of course....

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Will leave husband for Boston Market

I had to ask myself at about 9pm last night, are we really ready for kids?!?! (And by we, I mean my husband....)

We are both IN LOVE with Boston Market. As in I would have no problem with him banging the drive-thru girl if we get extra mashed potatoes...Anyway. Last night I am at work, and he is home (on his 7 days off. Who has a work schedule like that? Seriously.) and mention that Boston Market sounds good. He agrees, then says he will go get some and be home when I get home from work. Nice guy, right? Except Boston Market is an hour away. (I am thinking he may be the guy to have around if I get those crazy prego cravings, huh?) Ooookay. I let him go. He has the time, I want chicken and potatoes. No down side here.

I just get home from work, take the dog out, visit the neighbor, blah blah blah, my phone rings. It is husband. "Girlfreind, this is the best day EVER!!!" He screams.

I, of course, being of sound mind (usually) am a bit taken aback, for a few reasons.

Reason #1: We have just gotten married and went on a fabulous honeymoon. We had a great time. And that was not the best day ever.....

Reason #2: He is an AVID fisherman. Could fish for 7 days straight. He has won big tournaments, brought in good prize money, and caught "the big one". Yet, none of those were the best day ever....

Reason #3: I am dramatic, loud, offensive, bitchy (the list could go on, but I am merely proving a point.) He is the yin to my yang. Mellow, easygoing, quiet. Nothing gets him excited. Nothing. He could be on fire, and not care.

So when I get a phone call that "This was the best day EVER!!!", I am curious. I ask, why is that, dear?

His answer blows my mind.

"I pulled up to the drive-thru at Boston Market, and ordered the meal for 4 (Because I? Love Boston Market. Shut up with the Fat jokes. Asshat.) and that girl at the window, she told me that if I bought the meal for 4, she would give me A WHOLE SECOND CHICKEN FOR $1.99!!!!!

That is what got him sooo excited? Yes. He got a second chicken for $1.99. It is obviously the simple things in life that he appreciates. I could not bring myself to tell him that it was a daily special, and the window worker did not just think he was cute and cut him a deal. Poor guy.

He is so excited about his damn 2nd chicken, he had to hang up with me, because he almost rear-ended someone. So, if anyone almost had a truck in their trunk last night, it was my husband. Sorry. But he got a chicken FOR ONLY $1.99!!!! That gives you the right to drive like a douche...

Other than that amazingly stupid story, nothing happening on the homefront. I talked to my employer yesterday about wanting to start a family. (Any my employer? Is my father....Good times....) He tried to act all tough, then just about cried. (I think he needs medicated....the rest of my family is...Hooray for happy pills!!) Busy weekend ahead. I have no idea why we have 47 things going on every weekend, and yet we do. I think I may go take a nap now... ;)

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

You're not pregnant YET?!?!

Okay, let the fun (and baby-making!!) begin.

Jay and I are now married (Oct. 4, 2008) and have decided to begin trying to get pregnant as soon as possible. Of course, this is our "little secret". We really have not shouted it from the roof-tops.....and yet.... Already we are being asked about children. Really?!?!? We have been married 1 month today.

And I? Am probably not a baby-making machine. For several reasons. Reason one? I am fat-ish. Not like, can't climb a set of stairs, knock over things with my ass. But this fat girl only runs for one thing. And that is the Ice Cream truck.

Reason two? My family does not have an easy time with this whole baby-making process. Getting knocked up is not easy for us, not is the pregnancy.

And the third, and quite possibly biggest stumbling block. I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which makes "getting and staying pregnant difficult". So I have already conditioned myself for worse-case senario. I am on my meds (Metformin) and have baby fever. But I also don't have pie in the sky hopes of informing the family at Christmas that we are expecting (But who knows? Jay's family procreates like rabbits....)

So this is the beginning of our journey, and we have no idea how long it will take, or how it will end. Already I have run into the questions about when we are having kids, and also the AWESOME advice people give such as "It happens when you least expect it", "Just don' t try and it will happen", and the best "If it is meant to be, it will happen". So thanks for all of that.

I have not dealt with the false hope, or failure, or even trying for a year with nothing, and already I am ready to punch someone in the weeiner and/or face for saying these stupid things. I have no idea how I will continue to deal with this if it is a struggle.

So, for now, Newlywed Sex!! and lots of it. (And we will be all relaxed about it, to see if that helps of course.....)

Sunday, June 29, 2008

I have a problem. A serious problem. An embarrassing, uncontrolable problem. No, it does not burn when I pee. It is much more serious that that.

I can't stop picking fights while drunk.

Case in point:
On Friday, my fiance and I decide to have a rare night out. We were both off together (we both work shifts) and decided to take a time out from house projects and wedding planning to relax. So we decide to go to a "new" bar.

Now on a side note, a new bar in our area usually means the toilets flush and your feet don't stick to the floor.

So, we make plans to meet his cousin out. I then decide to invite my friend from out of town and my neighbor. This is going to be a good night....Maybe.

Fast forward to about 3 or 4 drinks into the night. Me and my three girlfriends are standing outside when a guy approaches us. Mind you, we are all just talking, not causing any trouble. So the guy walks up. Let's just call him Luke Asshole for fun.

So Luke Asshole boldly tresspasses into our circle then preceeds to exclaim "I feel so young around all of you. You girls are a lot older than me.."

Now, I may not be looking at 21 or 22, but I am not walking with a walker here. So, of course I feel the need to kindly point this fact out. So I say:

"Listen here Luke Asshole why don't you just run along inside now. I see your boyfriend waiting for you on the steps. I am so sorry us old women are keeping you from the bar. Let me turn up my hearing aid and get my geriatric grove on inside."

We turn to go and Luke Asshole yells "Have a good night old ladies."

This can not happen. I whip around. "What?!?!?!?"

"I said have a good night y'all ladies"

"Bullshit. You are a real choch. You probably drink only Zimas and live with your mother"

I walk in. And this is when it should be over. But is it? Of course not!!!

Fast forward 3 or 4 MORE drinks into the night. Again, we are all outside. And guess what? So is my good friend Luke Asshole!!! Only, too bad. Luke can't stand up or walk, let alone form coherent sentences. Perhaps I should leave him alone. He is all drunk and defenseless...


"Hey Luke, look it is wayyyyy past my bedtime and I am still here!!!!"

"Blah blah, gurgle, dumb.... I like boys, blah"

"Wow Luke, you sound pretty drunk. You probably don't even know your last name there Rookie"

(At this point he screams his last name, which comes out sounding like Asshole. I then goad him even more by challanging him to spell it. He pauses, I inform him he is a drunk moron who can't even spell his last name. )

So his two friends come to his rescue. Kind of.

"Sorry about our friend. He is a real douche bag."

"No shit, Einstein"

"He is pretty drunk. We brought him outside. We are going to go back in."

"Super. I should go too. My depends are riding up and I should straighten that out."

Luke stumbles back into the bar. We go in later. So Luke is stupid drunk. He is a 22 year old douche bag who will not be contacted by MENSA while sober, let alone 3 sheets to the wind. SO why do I let it bother me? I can't control it. I don't have a filter. I won't back down. At the end of the night, the lights come back on, and there is Luke again!! He is sitting at the bar looking pretty bad. I begin fighting my way from the back thru the crowd to the bar. My friend asks where I am going.

"To say Goodbye to my good friend Luke Asshole!!!"

At this point I am physically picked up by my fiance and told that it is time to go. NOW.

Other than almost seeing a bitch fight in the parking lot (No, I was not involved.) we went to get food and come home.

I don't know how this happens. I got a guy thrown out of a BW3's in my college town once cause he made a comment about my purse being huge and I somehow picked a fight with him. I have gotten into a fight with a guy.... then had to ride home in the same car with him cause we all came together....Awkward.