Sunday, June 29, 2008

I have a problem. A serious problem. An embarrassing, uncontrolable problem. No, it does not burn when I pee. It is much more serious that that.

I can't stop picking fights while drunk.

Case in point:
On Friday, my fiance and I decide to have a rare night out. We were both off together (we both work shifts) and decided to take a time out from house projects and wedding planning to relax. So we decide to go to a "new" bar.

Now on a side note, a new bar in our area usually means the toilets flush and your feet don't stick to the floor.

So, we make plans to meet his cousin out. I then decide to invite my friend from out of town and my neighbor. This is going to be a good night....Maybe.

Fast forward to about 3 or 4 drinks into the night. Me and my three girlfriends are standing outside when a guy approaches us. Mind you, we are all just talking, not causing any trouble. So the guy walks up. Let's just call him Luke Asshole for fun.

So Luke Asshole boldly tresspasses into our circle then preceeds to exclaim "I feel so young around all of you. You girls are a lot older than me.."

Now, I may not be looking at 21 or 22, but I am not walking with a walker here. So, of course I feel the need to kindly point this fact out. So I say:

"Listen here Luke Asshole why don't you just run along inside now. I see your boyfriend waiting for you on the steps. I am so sorry us old women are keeping you from the bar. Let me turn up my hearing aid and get my geriatric grove on inside."

We turn to go and Luke Asshole yells "Have a good night old ladies."

This can not happen. I whip around. "What?!?!?!?"

"I said have a good night y'all ladies"

"Bullshit. You are a real choch. You probably drink only Zimas and live with your mother"

I walk in. And this is when it should be over. But is it? Of course not!!!

Fast forward 3 or 4 MORE drinks into the night. Again, we are all outside. And guess what? So is my good friend Luke Asshole!!! Only, too bad. Luke can't stand up or walk, let alone form coherent sentences. Perhaps I should leave him alone. He is all drunk and defenseless...


"Hey Luke, look it is wayyyyy past my bedtime and I am still here!!!!"

"Blah blah, gurgle, dumb.... I like boys, blah"

"Wow Luke, you sound pretty drunk. You probably don't even know your last name there Rookie"

(At this point he screams his last name, which comes out sounding like Asshole. I then goad him even more by challanging him to spell it. He pauses, I inform him he is a drunk moron who can't even spell his last name. )

So his two friends come to his rescue. Kind of.

"Sorry about our friend. He is a real douche bag."

"No shit, Einstein"

"He is pretty drunk. We brought him outside. We are going to go back in."

"Super. I should go too. My depends are riding up and I should straighten that out."

Luke stumbles back into the bar. We go in later. So Luke is stupid drunk. He is a 22 year old douche bag who will not be contacted by MENSA while sober, let alone 3 sheets to the wind. SO why do I let it bother me? I can't control it. I don't have a filter. I won't back down. At the end of the night, the lights come back on, and there is Luke again!! He is sitting at the bar looking pretty bad. I begin fighting my way from the back thru the crowd to the bar. My friend asks where I am going.

"To say Goodbye to my good friend Luke Asshole!!!"

At this point I am physically picked up by my fiance and told that it is time to go. NOW.

Other than almost seeing a bitch fight in the parking lot (No, I was not involved.) we went to get food and come home.

I don't know how this happens. I got a guy thrown out of a BW3's in my college town once cause he made a comment about my purse being huge and I somehow picked a fight with him. I have gotten into a fight with a guy.... then had to ride home in the same car with him cause we all came together....Awkward.